“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
Dearest Chloe and Phoebe,
Your fight this morning reminded me of something I’ve struggled with a great deal in my life: comparing and competing.
“Mom, are you going to buy me another twirly pen right? But you can’t get another one for Chloe because it wouldn’t be fair. She already has two,” you said, Phoebe.
There is nothing more natural than sibling rivalry. A little sibling rivalry is benign for the most part. It’s even endearing to see. Phoebe wants to be just like you, Chloe. She wants to have everything you have, not less, not even more.
But constant comparing and competing, if left unchecked, can grow to an all-consuming flame. When you become so wrapped up in the race to keep up with the Joneses (or the Kims as we like to quip), the obsession can engulf you in a dizzying whirlwind. Constant comparing can quickly develop into envy and become toxic, polluting your joy and even ruin relationships. And yet it’s impossible not to compare. Everyone does it. Mommy struggles with it.
So how does one tame this natural tendency? A little understanding can go a long way. Comparisons stem from the goals we make in our lives. Goals are good and they are necessary. They drive us to succeed and excel. But when you have made some goal your heart’s ultimate desire, the very thing your identity and self-worth hinges on, you will become enslaved to it.
Fail to obtain it, and you will grow bitter. Achieve it, and you will always be afraid of losing it. You won’t be able to be happy for anybody else who comes close to obtaining that goal. Your heart will rage against God for not answering your prayers. And even if you do accomplish the goal, it will never seem like enough; the chase will lead you down a rabbit hole for an ever elusive sense of security.
But God is quite different from the storybook fairy godmother’s you currently love reading about. God is not in the business of granting your every wish. He is in the business of making you more like him.
Think about that for a second. If making us more like him is his end goal, then you won’t be so bewildered when someone wins a race you seemingly worked harder to achieve. The outcome will seem unfair by your own gauge. But talents, skills and gifts have little to do with becoming more like God.
In that moment, he may be trying to teach you how to become more gracious, humble or even tenacious. Don’t get me wrong. God wants you to be successful and skillful. One of the best ways to serve God is by being the best at what you do! But if your life is a constant race, even victories when they do happen won’t be enough to quench that insatiable fire of pride. Question where your motives stem from. And when things don’t go your way, remember that his ways are higher than yours.
So don’t take things so personally, especially you, my baby Chloe. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Because there will always be someone who seems to have more or who seems to get luckier than you. And before you go down the road of self-loathing and blame, or one of hubris and arrogance, remember that there is always more than your hands at work. This will humble and liberate you at the same time.
God longs to bless you. But he holds back sometimes for the same reason I don’t let Phoebe have all the chocolate she wants: because too much sugar can harm you. So keep your goals and ambitions. It’s good to have them. But place them under the goals God has for your life. Order your loves in proper sequence, and you will learn to have great patience, endurance and joy in this marathon of life.