How to Accept Someone Who’s Rejected You

Dearest Chloe and Phoebe,

All rejection is painful. But rejection will be hard to the degree your identity is based on the metric that is used to reject you.

Say a future mother-in-law rejects you (this seems to be a common theme in mommy’s circle of friends). Perhaps in her eyes you aren’t smart, accomplished, pretty or thin enough. The rejection will hurt because of who is doing the rejection.  She is now your new family, your husband’s mother after all. But if you have made it your life goal to become defined by how smart, accomplished, pretty and thin you are, she will not only have hurt your feelings but your ego too, which is by far the more deadly blow.

The number one need people have is to feel important. And we need to derive our worth from something. The most unrealistic advice I’ve heard is to not let what other people think of you bother you because you define your own worth. For anyone who has tried this, knows it doesn’t work. We are human beings, incredibly impressionable and vulnerable creatures in need of constant validation. What others think of us does matter. The human condition is to need to find validation in something.

So what do you place your identity in?

The problem with validation is that it’s usually based on something that can be earned. And when you have placed your value in your career, your talents or even your kind deeds, things you may have worked hard to achieve, then it will always bite you in the end. You will become enslaved to it. It will be an endless pursuit to achieve more, and even if you have achieved quite a bit of it, you will be afraid to lose it.

The only unwavering rock of validation can be someone who accepts you unconditionally regardless of what you do. And while mom and dad might be a better option than the world, even our love for you is not completely unconditional. Consider how my patience level and mood varies according to your behavior.

The only unwavering rock left at the end of your life will be God, who who alone possesses the ability to forgive and forget. You are perfect in God’s eyes through what Christ has done. That means there is nothing more or less you can do to add or detract from God’s love for you. Work and live out of this freedom. When you do, you will also be able to accept those who have rejected you — because you’ll be resilient to whatever blows they might deliver.

 

 

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